mondrian’s neon fantod

Much has been made of how our little fascists have based their foriegn policy (such as it is) on oil. Invade Iraq for the oil. Spar with Hugo Chavez over the oil. Let the oil companies price gouge the ever-lovin’ bejesus out of the American consumer. And so on. And all of this because many of them are actually oilmen and stand to reap substantial financial gains from all this. Well, I’m here to give you a new piece of news. Shrub et. al. must’ve done some serious investing in wire production, or at least in copper. Why? Because they appear to be basing the rest of their policies (domestic and human rights, at least) on wire. Illegal, unconstitutional wire-tapping. Repealing Rove v. Wade. And, of course, nothing says “torture” like piano wire.

So, I propose that, starting now, we the people start doing our best Joan Crawford (the last name is ironic, if coincidental) and tell these bastards “No more wire! Hangers, taps or piano!” And how do we do that? Well, we start by reclaiming congress in 2006. So when Novemeber comes around, get off your ass and vote. Or you might just wind up working for these greedy pricks next money-making scheme… down in the mines.

Japan fishing industry attacked by giant jellyfish!

Godzilla & Gamera have been summoned to help the country in its time of need.

As part of its BIRD FLU™ Plan, the US today introduced its new color-coded Pandemic Flu Alert Level System®. Based on the highly successful color-coded National Terror Alert Chart®, but limited by its predecessor’s five color palette, the new system is a streamlined two color affair.

White: High Alert. Panic. Frenzied terror about the impending pandemic. As a mnemonic, think of white knuckles. Or being so terrified that your hair’s gone white with fear. This is where we are placing the country at this time.

Black: You’re dead. We were so busy using the BIRD FLU™ to distract you from intelligence failures in Iraq, treasonous acts performed by administration officials, tragic failures at FEMA and the like that we forgot to do anything to try to, you know, actually protect you from it. But, you see, protecting its citizens from things like this is something a big government would do. And we all agree that big government is bad, right? I mean, that is why you ninnies voted us into power, isn’t it? So that we could destroy the federal government from within and leave a bunch of sad little states grasping at straws. ‘Cause I’m sure you’ve forgotten whatever they might have taught you in your history class about the Articles of Confederation. Chumps.

All kidding aside, I’m just delighted that the shrub administration has presented us with a fabulous new plan for how to handle the impending influenza pandemic™. I especially like the part about stockpiling Tamiflu. I imagine we’ll get our stockpiles and piles from the Easter Bunny, since worldwide stocks of Tamiflu are, essentially, completely tapped.

Oh, and shame, shame shame on those who are criticizing the plan as “too little, too late.” They’re just suffering from a failure of imagination. I mean, I bet they don’t believe in the tooth fairy, either.

Watching the World Series® coverage on FOX™ and seeing just how wonderful it was that MLB® or FOX™ or whoever decided that it was a good idea to sell multiple parts of the broadcast to the highest bidder – the Citi® Starting Lineup™, the State Farm® Defensive Lineup™, the AOL® replay dude™, the John Hancock® In-Game Box Score™, etc. – I thought I’d see if I could come up with some more targets for crass commercialization product synergy opportunities. I mean, I am a Marketing Professional™, after all.

So here’s a Mrs. Fields’ Brand® Sampler Bag™ of ideas…

• All runners’ leadoffs could be sponsored by a sports car company – “You can see Podsednik is making the most of his 2006 Ford® Mustang Leadoff™…”
• Each individual ball and strike could have a different sponsor – “And the count is McDonald’s®-and-oh on Bagwell…” or “Pettitte’s ahead in the count, Starbucks®-and-Sears®…”
• Individual plays could also be sold. Imagine the profits associated with the Blue Cross® Hit & Run™, the Betty Crocker® Bunt Single™, the Orville Redenbacher® Pop Out™, the TORO® Mowers grounder™ and, of course, the Charmin® Squeeze Play™ for you old-timers.

I could keep going, of course, but I’m not getting paid for this, you know. So drop me a line, MLB® Marketing™ Department© and FOX™ Broadcasting. I’ve got a Chevy® Truckload of ideas on ways to make this silly baseball game even more profitable.

author’s note: it’s been a long time since I went subgenius, so my dogma might be a little off. but I believe even that falls safely within the official dogma itself. or, as the subgenii themselves say, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

J.R. “Bob” Dobbs vs. The Four Horsemen
Of all the grand ideas put forth by the Church of the SubGenius, my favorite has always been the thought that the Rapture as envisioned by Christians the world over has, in fact, already taken place and that we are now living in “the end times” (must be in quotes, must be spoken in great voice of doom). The bottom line is that Jehovah already called the faithful home and no one really noticed because almost no one was really good enough to go. So all of those screaming evangelicals who want you to think that the end is near are actually wrong. The end, it turns out, is already here. And, oddly enough, they’re still here, too. So much for all those unmanned cars crashing into the heathens on the highway like they’d planned.

Anyway, I’d like to submit the following as further proof of this hypothesis…

Meet The Four Horsemen
“The End Times” require some heavy antagonists – the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. You know, Death, Famine, War & The Antichrist. Normally one gets the over-the-top Revelations-style images of the horsemen as being something out of a 1970s scary movie, animated by Ray Harryhausen and all that. But the truth is, you already know the four horsemen by name:

• Death = Dick Cheney. Come on, that’s one’s easy. I mean, technically he’s undead, what with the disappearing to “undisclosed locations” and drinking the blood of children to maintain his unnatural existence. But clearly he represents death even if he isn’t actually death.
• War = Donald Rumsfeld. This one is even easier. A Secretary of “The Best Defense Is Offense” (or offensive) who issues orders that call for torture and a flagrant disregard for the principles of the Geneva Conventions? Unquestionably this is a man whose bloodlust exceeds human limits. And that makes him the personification of War.
• Famine = The Hydra of cronyism & incompetence, currently represented by Michael Brown. Brown, among others, have done their jobs so very poorly that people are literally starving because of their incompetence. These idiots should never have been allowed to graduate from college, let alone assume positions of great importance just because they had a roommate once who knew someone who knew someone. Throw in the “scarcity” aspect of famine and you’ll be able to apply this label to the backroom deals the energy corporations have entered into with this administration, too. I, for one, can’t wait to see the gas lines and heating oil prices this winter.
• The Antichrist = Bush. You knew this was coming. He’s the leader of the pack, the bad boy on the white horse, looking so glorious and noble to so many, deceiving them all as he leads the charge to doom. And if you believe in him then you probably want to kill me right now. Which is a rather anti-christian sentiment, isn’t it? If you are among the 50% or so of Americans who don’t believe in him then you might be worried that I’m actually right.

So there’s the lineup the visiting team has filled out. And for the past six innings they’ve been whipping us but good. But now, when things seem their darkest, a new hope arises, from Dallas of all goddamned places. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you the act you’ve know for all these years… the wisdom of J.R. “Bob” Dobbs!

Take Back Your Slack!
author’s note: the following is a transcription of a cassette tape I found in a moldy box underneath the Congress Avenue bridge in Austin last weekend when I showing off the bats to some evacuees from Houston while the last “there’s no such thing as global warming. that’s junk science. unlike intelligent design” hurricane was bearing down on our asses. it was labeled not before 84 (I think the date probably has something to do with subtracting Jesus’ missing years from the current year).

Bush. Cheney. Rumsfeld and the rest. These bastards deserve not a single iota of Slack, let a lone the MOUNTAIN of SLACK that they have stolen from you, me and everybody! It is time for the STARK FIST OF REMOVAL to show these pinks the GODDAMNED DOOR. Praise BOB! Let’s see them driven before the masses, my Yeti bretheren! ELVIS wouldn’t put up with this kind of blatant criminality! The TWO FISTED FIGHTIN’ JESUS would come down here and throw these money changers the HELL out of the TEMPLE of AMERICA! Their CORPORATIONS sell you FALSE SLACK for $3.50 a gallon and you happily pour it down the DRAIN they disguised as an SUV! REACT to what these [unintelligible] are doing to your HOMEWORLD. ARISE, MUTANT! Hail, Bob! Hail, JHVH-1!

(odd noise, might have been cheering, might have been the screaming of eagles)

Pull the wool over your own eyes! I say that at times like THESE there are WORSE things than being labeled UNPATRIOTIC. Is it unpatriotic to TELL THE TRUTH when no one else will? Is it UNAMERICAN to find fault where fault lives? NO! The book tells us that the Conspiracy burns humans as fuel. But SubGeniuses aren’t humans and they DO NOT BURN. We only suffer when we PRETEND TO BELONG! Don’t let their labels drive you into the DARK PAIN OF COLLABORATION! Speak OUT! We CAN still WIN, MUTANTS. We don’t have to be AFRAID of their vision of the future. As long as even ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN has SLACK then they CANNOT win. The internet is your ultimate SLACK DELIVERY SYSTEM, so use it! ABUSE IT! Don’t PAY THEM for the privilege of sharing their PARANOIA and HATE! Use your WORDS and your WORDS SHALL SET YOU FREE! Praise Bob! Praise

At that point the tape broke. Subsequent efforts to repair the tape failed.

Courtesy of the old woman:

On Friday, Condi Rice was giving the President his daily foreign affairs briefing. She concluded by saying: “Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“OH NO!” the President exclaimed. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sat stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion at a briefing, and watched as the President nervously as sat there, head in hands.

Finally, the President looked up and asked, “How many is a brazillion?”

Cheap shot, it’s true. Kinda like the booze that the shrub prefers. Oooh! Two cheap shots in one entry. Hell, it must be happy hour! Three! Three cheap shots! Ah-ah-ah-aaaaaah!

(yes, I just linked to the Enquirer story again. I’m starting to like it. help me, please)

Bush Scraps Visit To Texas, cites “staying out of the way” as reason…

“We will make sure that my entourage does not get in the way of people doing their job, which will be search and rescue immediately. Rest assured, I understand that we must not and will not interfere with the important work that will be going forward,” Bush told reporters hours before the Texas stop was canceled.

So, tell me, Sir Robin… Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?