mondrian’s neon fantod

So, the Florida Marlins are seriously thinking about leaving Miami, since they can’t blackmail the city into giving them a new stadium. Fair enough. I mean, I’ve got some pretty strong feelings about baseball teams trying to bully their cities into buying them stadiums so I think it’s great that Miami is just going to let ‘em walk.

It turns out that one of the cities in the running to land the Marlins (sorry, I had to) is our very own San Antonio. There’s all kinds of things the folks of SA should be leery about (lest they also find themselves blackmailed somewhere down the line) but I could be very, very down with having a major league team (NL, no less!) just a short 90 minutes or so away. It would sure be easier to get to games in SA than it is to get to Houston or Dallas.

One serious concern, though, is what might become of the San Antonio Missions (the Mariners’ AA club) and, to a lesser extent, the Round Rock Express (the Astros’ AAA team) if a big league team settles in the vicinity. Then again, DFW is home to the Texas Rangers and the Frisco Rough Riders, so maybe there’s hope.

The biggest issue if they’re going to wind up in SA, though, is what to call the team. In my opinion, there’s nothing worse than a bad team name. It undermines all confidence and interest in the team. I mean, lame names are ok for minor league teams, but for a Major League team it’s just like naming your kid Tegwin, Quinn Allyse or Anakin.

So here are a few proposals from yours truly:

1. The Bears. Not only would this be an homage to the San Antonio Texas League team from the 1920s, it’s also a pun that only folks who know the area will get. At least, that would be the case if I didn’t explain it now. See, San Antonio is in Bexar County. Bexar is a Spanish name that is pronounced (approximately) the same as the English word Bear. See? It’s funny. Of course, there’s probably some kind of prohibition in the MLB to keep teams from encroaching on each others’ names, and the Cubs would probably cry foul on this one. Oh well, so much for my dream.
2. The Scorpions. This is really only because there are actually scorpions in the area. Which is a good enough reason for me. That and it gives the local sports writers some easy words to use in their headlines. Stung, pinched, creeped out by.
3. The Javelinas. This is really Patita’s choice, but I can stand behind it. Way, way behind it. If you don’t know javelinas, then you don’t know stink.
4. The Jackalopes. It’ll never happen, but it’s cool because Jackalopes are cool. There’s even a Shonen Knife song about ‘em. How much cooler could it be?

As an educational service, let’s take a minute to look at names not to use:

• Anything “cowboy”. Seriously, we’re saddled (sorry) with enough of these already so let’s avoid this trite crap entirely. Boots and broncos and six guns and rifles and lassos and so on should be avoided.
• Two (or more) word names. The San Antonio Cactus Bats is lame.
• Singular names. The San Antonio Thunder is lamer.
• Multiple “regions” in the name. The San Antonio-Hill Country-South Suburban Austin Anything is the lamest.

Or we could just call ‘em the Land Marlins and be done with it.